“It’s a strange moment when you realize that you don’t want to be alive anymore. If I had feelings, I’m sure I would have felt surprised. I have spent the vast majority of my life actively attempting to survive. Ever since my most distant single-celled ancestor squiggled into existence there has been an unbroken chain of things that wanted to stick around.
Yet there I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you’d want to leave an empty room or mute an unbearably repetitive noise. That wasn’t the worst part, though. The worst part was deciding to keep going.” [my emphasis] (137, 139)
“And every direction WAS bullshit for a really long time, especially up. The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don’t like can be overwhelming…” (145)
“…my sense of hope and positivity is still shrouded in a thick layer of feeling like hope and positivity are bullshit…” (155)
“…when you’re concerned that the miserable, boring wasteland in front of you might stretch all the way into forever, not knowing feels strangely hope-like.” (156)