Day 72: My sister left me a voicemail yesterday. I still can’t speak to her on the phone. She’s done nothing wrong. I don’t trust that hearing her voice won’t cause that anger and hate towards my dad to burst forth again. I thought I’d resolved those issues but these more intense feelings blindsided and scared me. I hope I’ve assured her it’s my problem, that she’s not to blame.
Anyway, she called because she couldn’t reach Mom. Big deal. It was. She needed Mom. Their relationship’s been as tenuous as mine and Dad’s and for as long. I told her I’d email Mom and let her know. Jill also suggested other places to apply for jobs in DC, places that hadn’t occurred to me. I thanked her and let her know I’d found the perfect apartment in the city and gave her the address. I hardly recognized my voice filled with enthusiasm and joy. Mom told me later that Jill searched DC apartments online for me, too.
Most of my life I doubted anyone loved me, let alone thought of me. Jill does. It’s a complicated love, but it’s love.