My friend/dating coach’s response to my “cock” email/post:
Wow, your email shows how frustrated you are! Dating by nature is frustrating – everyone gets frustrated. You’re going to meet men who make all kinds of mistakes, say silly things, are socially awkward, nervous, etc. Men forget to compliment women all the time. They don’t have a dating coach! And most people are ignorant about diet and truly do now know where we get our protein!
To get this negative and deflated after one lousy date is really counter productive and unhealthy. You are sooooooooo overreacting. There are wonderful men out there! Dating is a means to an end, and it’s a process.
See if you can focus on having empathy for the men you meet. Maybe they are nervous or insecure (lying on the profile), or really bad daters, etc. If you are going to take a man’s poor dating skills personally, you definitely need Boot Camp, and you should probably wait to start dating until you can be supported by me and a group of women who have a positive and hopeful perspective. I need to teach you a new approach!
If a guy sends you a non-commital boring email, send something positive back.
He wrote: “Home from work and showered and off to bed and that’s it, I think.”
You: Great to hear from you! Have a wonderful evening! ; )
Yes, please read the books, and I look forward to working with you in September. You are going to learn so much and you’ll enjoy being surrounded by a fabulous group of women who are all going through this together. And good for you getting some new girlie clothes!. I bet you look gorgeous in your new outfits!!!!
Have a happy week!”
My friend, M’s, addition to the above response:
“Also the more you date the better your skills get when you meet the right one. They’re just practice dates! Most people are just trying to survive and do their best. They’re not trying to do anything wrong.”
My response to friend/dating coach’s email:
Email exchange with #2 date guy. I didn’t go anywhere. He went MIA for four days. And he “totally forgot” about a first date with me, who complimented him which started the “hey, I’d love to do brunch” thing. I feel empathy and understanding for everyone–I write and befriended a man doing life in prison for murder, for goodness sake. I just don’t see in this exchange where I went wrong. If he works such long hours, forgets plans for a first date, and says, “boo,” when I politely decline to meet him at this point (this is a 42 year old man), I see red flags waving all over the place. I denied and ignored them in the past out of desperation to not be lonely. Not anymore:
#2 date guy: just got in from work and a shower so that’s all for tonight I think
Me: Hi C. I’m 43YOV. Long day. Don’t blame you. I’ve a busy one ahead of me. Hope it doesn’t rain all day though I’ve a huge clear umbrella that makes me feel like I’m the boy in the bubble 😉
I’m an early riser, just not an early conversationalist until I down my first coffee (even with coffee yoga; yes, I do yoga poses waiting for the kettle). So this brunch–which Sunday works for you? I like the lying in the grass idea, too.
My cell # XXX-XXX-XXXX if you yearn to hear my voice, chat about Fuji or my embarrassing 4th grade story 😉 Happy Thursday.
#2 date guy 4 days later: Oh Jeez it’s Sunday night already. I’m so sorry I totally forgot about this. How was your Fourth? How was your weekend?
Me: Apology accepted, but I’m not interested in meeting anymore. Best of luck to you.
#2 date guy: Thanks but boo. Sorry to see you go
As for the first date I actually went on, he had qualities I found attractive, which is why I set aside the height lie and his boastful, “I know it all” nature. He told me beforehand he didn’t want to talk about Vietnam (he’s a vet), so I didn’t bring it up, and I told him, when he kept at me about my leaving my beloved library job during our first phone call, that it was for the best, and a painful part of my past that I’m over and didn’t want to discuss any further.
So he badgers me about my job situation now on the date. He’s the one who said, “there are pleasanter things to talk about,” before the date. Did he ask me once about my love of writing? No. I don’t like being interrogated, least of all on a first date. It was like being on a date with my dad. Or being told when I take my first sip of water our waiter poured for me, “Fish fuck in that.” My response, “So do humans.” Tap water disgusts him but not how all the animals products he eats are treated before they land on his plate. Did I preach once about veganism–no.
Over 24 hours pass and I see he’s checked out my profile again on that “Howaboutwe…” site. I send him a message: “Trying to decide whether to ask me out again? If so, I’d say yes. (He mentioned seeing an old movie sometime, and I wanted to; give ourselves a second chance.) If not, well, at least I put myself out there. That’s kinda courageous.” That was Saturday afternoon and no response. He’s 58 years old. I’m sure I broke every rule in the book with that email!
He wrote he liked, “intelligent, confident, and adventurous” qualities in women. Why do they say it when it’s so not what they want? Women know what they want; men are the ones flailing about without a clue. Babies needing coddling and ego-stroking and constant reminders of their virility and brilliance. Watch the attached short SNL skit if you’ve not seen it before.
And though I don’t judge what others eat, I don’t want to be with someone who’s not a vegan. Who doesn’t understand what a positive, profound experience it was me to take that step or, like poor S, makes fun of her about it. Asshole husband. Seriously. I’ve the most empathy and wish the most peace for people like him. Hell, I forgave my dad immediately each and every time he beat my sister and emotionally abused and neglected me. I continued to love him and spent 30+ years trying to salvage a positive relationship with him. He pushed me away every single time.
Even then, though I ended our relationship, I reminded myself that though he caused me and Jill suffering, he’s suffering, too, and I don’t want to add to that anymore. He deserves peace and joy and happiness. Neither of us will have that, however, unless I let him go. Believe me, I employ empathy, compassion, understanding, and patience with myself and others every day. I’m never satisfied with the amount but I strive to do better the next day.
I’ve trust issues galore, I’m sure. Add to that my health issues and desire to have a vegan partner, and you’re right, I shouldn’t date. I agree with you 100%.
I thought I may’ve lost you as a friend. Happy to see your email this morning. Peace xoxo