It’s been a shitty week for the 43YOV. Depression and self-hate are at an all-time high. Trigger #1? Ending my relationship with Jill. Then this brainiac decides now’s the time to jump into the urban dating pool without a life jacket. I think we all know how that turned out. So I quit.
I quit the matchmaker/friend, the support buddy friend of said matchmaker/friend, the sweet stylist friend of the same, all of them. Why should they suffer? Then I took a much-needed shower (worst night sweats ever; like the sun fell from the sky and landed on my right shoulder), gulped down a healthy smoothie (I. must. stick. with. self. care. even. whilst. hating. self), gathered easy reading et journal in a book bag, and walked fifteen minutes in not-so-pleasant heat to my favorite bookstore.
I retreated to the cafe for a vegan sandwich and iced soy chai latte. The cute kid in a dog shirt (a Mom gift; I complimented him on it) taking my order returned my smile, asked if I was vegan, said yes, coconut milk would taste great in the chai (we sighed), and laughed when I praised him on being a good son for wearing a Mom gift. As he walked away to prepare my order, an equally pleasant, friendly young woman smiled, joked, and laughed with me as we lamented the lack of manners, personality, and fashion originality of upper middle-class Washingtonians. Seriously, if I see one more Michael Kors handbag I will puke. Tory Burch shoes for her. I’ve no clue what those shoes look like, or if I spelled the name right, but I’ll be damned if I’ll Google it.
I was home. These were my people. Real. Unique. Funny. Kind. Alive. I thanked them. They were the only people who’d returned my smile or acknowledged my existence today. You made my day, I said. My delicious vegan lunch and my day. Finding and buying the above book did, too. Ever since I read a review, I’d been dying to get my hands on it. Timely purchase, I think.
I’m not excluding myself from the class of “Asshole.” No, I could go head to head with the best of them at times; having said that, I’m playing the mental illness card because when it’s at its worst, so am I. Kinda makes you want a chronic illness now, doesn’t it? As horrible as today was, however, I fought and won a skirmish by getting myself to the bookstore. And though I’ve given up smiling at people’s profiles, don’t think they’ve got me beat. Now I silently wish them peace and love as they walk by. I win!
Back at home home, I eked out a drop more of self-loathing with another stupid email. May it be my last as the inky storm clouds empty and drift away. I’ve Assholes: A Theory to read and another healthy smoothie to make.