That recent post about the film, Broken English? Don’t think I wallowed (again) in a stew of lonely, love starved desperation and bitterness as the end credits rolled. It just shocked me to see a part of my life mirrored so closely by the character, Nora. To hear things I said spoken almost verbatim and the same well-intentioned but crappy dating book advice friends and family offered…and no, I didn’t collapse on the bed crying into my pillow.
Quite the opposite. What relief to find I’m wasn’t alone in suffering all these years, blaming myself, what’s wrong with me, what am I doing wrong, blah, blah, blah. Societal pressure on women is relentless and brutal–from men and women. What happened to sticking up for each other, not in a We vs. Them way, but as a compassionate, supportive and vital community? Maybe this explains why my closest friend’s a guy, and why I’ve had more guy than girl friends through the years. Why I have a sneaking suspicion that the relationship between my first boyfriend–yes, the clown–and I was healthier than my marriage. More…real.
(Admittedly, not nearly as fun as it would’ve been dating Bill Murray’s clown; now I have to watch Quick Change again.)
Ah, and here’s a IM conversation with a male friend worried about me after reading the film post:
G: Awwww lovely. WTF is going on??? Just read your post!…..I’ve been out but am not drunk (only had a couple) but you are soooo right! Are we cursed? lol. I feel exactly like you do…very often. I think we are being tested. You are not unloved though!….you are just thinking of the physical bit! So am I. XXXXX. Am off to bed…alone. Goodnight lovely….and my friend. XXXX
43YOV: Been wanting to IM you, G. I’m fine. The lead actress just plays a woman who’s always been unlucky in love, horrible at dating, and at an age where desperation creeps in and takes over. She nails it. I think I’ve said some of her lines verbatim! After another awful first date she says, “Enough.” That’s where I am and I could see myself reacting to any future overtures from men exactly like she does.
Of course I think of the physical bit! It’s unhealthy not to be touched for so long, platonically or intimately. Skin is our biggest organ with nerves galore. It needs attention.
(This is what I look like trying to calm my skin’s craving for touch. Poignant, isn’t it?)
Don’t worry about me, G. Through meditation and journaling and taking better care of my body and mind, I know my worth. I don’t expect to be in a serious relationship again but if I was, it would only be after a whole lot of convincing! LOL. I’m learning to be content on my own. I’m moving more easily through this holiday season. That says something.
(Exhibits A, B and C and hung and displayed Thanksgiving night like the old days; my two holiday-scented candles arrived yesterday so completing my simple but cheery and bright decorations.)
I remember that matchmaking chick I met when I first moved here saying I was cute. WTF? In my head, I was like, “Fuck you!” Cute. I’m pretty, dammit. LOL. I wish her peace, no hard feelings of course. As long as I know I’m pretty that’s all that matters. Inside and out. Well, striving for the former.
The folks at Pacifica agree. They tell me every time I open their 100% vegan, cruelty free eyes, cheeks and lips trio thingamabob.
Let’s both try living in the moment and not worry about or have any expectations about the future. Tough assignment but I think we’re up for it. xoxoxoxo