CAN WE TAWKIFY? IT’S RAINING MEN WAS IN A “CONE OF UNCERTAINTY” THAT ALL CAME TO NOTHING

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Did you see that on weather.com? Erika, a recent “hurricane to be,” was in a “Cone of Uncertainty.” Have you heard of a more ridiculous way of saying, “We’ve no idea what she’s gonna do?” I wrote it down in my journal so I wouldn’t forget it (how could you forget that?) ’cause I knew I’d use it in a blog post someday. And that day’s today!

Why raining men? Well, R, my matchmaker, thought she’d found a real winner for me. Then I heard from the guy in Bangkok. Tweets are exchanged: yes, I worried when I heard about the bombing, I’m fine, you look happy and healthy, indeed, I do think of you, let’s Skype, yes, let’s. Then a vegan guy in my vegan meet up group who’s local (obviously), VEGAN (ditto), into advocacy, runs marathons (it’s a thing I have), enjoys YOGA, very attractive (another thing I have), and the piece de resistance…French (not really a thing but a cool twist), reached out to me about helping him with a first draft of his second short film and offering his help with my long-ago shelved documentary.

It’s raining men, right?

Wrong-o. The real winner got cold feet about the whole matchmaker thing. The guy in Bangkok and I haven’t Skyped and won’t Skype. The hot French, vegan, local, running, yoga-practicing guy? Girlfriend, consultant constantly on the move, and girlfriend. Now we’ve entered what we in the dating world call the “cone of dying alone.”

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OK, it wasn’t the end of the world, but tell that to my hair-brained, uh, brain on meds that are obviously nothing more than sugar pills ’cause down the well I fell. Not the best time to email friend or foe so of course I wrote my matchmaker:

Hey R,

Hope you’re enjoying this holiday weekend. I woke up too early again this morning but journaled, made my “want to” list, tea yoga’d (waiting for my tea to steep), and completed Day 14’s 135 squats in my third such 30-Day Challenge (this one with plank challenge too; 90 seconds today–yikes!). Dishwasher’s running, Ziggy threw up for some reason (he’s not a thrower-upper), and breakfast needs to happen soon 😉
I don’t know how many guys you’ve talked to since the “backer-outer” (can you tell I watched a lot of Seinfeld?), or if you’ve talked to any. Half of me is perfectly fine with it as I don’t have any expectations or confidence in meeting “a one” or “the one” here in DC. I love living here but have found a distinct lack in substance or authenticity in DC men. No amount of good looks, degrees, or expensive tailored suits can remedy that.
I find them lazy (at relationships), predictable, and dull. There’s no passion emanating from them, or even in couples I see each day. I spent 13 years with a man who stared at a TV or iPhone screen more than he did me. People spend an inordinate amount of time doing that here. I’m not the least bit interested in that.
So no worries if you don’t find me a match. I’ve gone so long without a man in my life; perhaps the universe is telling me something and I’m just now listening to it.
Peace \/
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Pretty pitiful, right? But wait–there’s more!

Oh, I said, “half of me,” didn’t I? Apologies. I grew sleepy as I typed 😉 The other half, well, I don’t think there’s another half. I know you’re supposed to work diligently at picking the best possible matches, but you needn’t bother in my case. I’m way too good for the men in this town. I don’t think you’d find anyone who comes close to wanting the deep, meaningful relationship I long for. Or did. I know, keep an open mind, 43YOV. Just have fun with it. And I will. I’ll be myself, and I’m pretty terrific, and I’ll never hear from them again. 😉 Yes, I go forward with what I’ve learned from Bachelor #1!

There’s plenty in this world that scares me but I’m no coward. And it’s people who scare me the most. People think of DC as a very liberal town; they may vote blue, but they rarely take a stand for anything. This secular calling of mine to get religious leaders to rethink what unconditional love, compassion, and mercy really mean and how they cherry pick who’s worthy of it? If there is a G-d, He’d be appalled by this cowardly, lackadaisical, half-assed interpretation of His gospel. I have a Presbyterian minister so afraid to talk to me in person he lies about offering just that–if I wanted to hear what some of his convictions were and how they at times made their way into his job mission he’d be happy to tell me in person–when I have every email the man and I have exchanged. And when I show him where he stated it, he reinterprets his own writing to squirm out of it yet again.
Obviously, I expected resistance, but this “worthy of a politician” schtick of his does little to strengthen any respect I had for him. And he’s one of four leaders of a 1500+ member Protestant church. He actually admitted that his was a church that took few positions on “issues” like his or mine (creating a faith embracing all creatures): climate change, mental illness, human trafficking, gun violence, “issues” strongly linked to each other. I mean, violence begets violence. I’m not part of a big animal rights/vegan organization who’s got my back. I jumped into this monumental task alone and this doctor of divinity is afraid of me! Christianity may have a stronghold on this country–persecuted, my ass–but it hasn’t a leg to stand on if you dust off the stained glass.
I’m afraid I took a left turn somewhere but I was trying to make a point. If religious leaders in this town won’t teach their congregants to stand against injustice, how many male Tawkify clients will? I think this was what my friend, L, meant when she said I needed a vegan partner. That and being an advocate are a big part of who I am. I’m willing to remain open-minded about meeting non-vegans but it’s often the latter who don’t want to date a vegan.
Are you calling your boss to find a replacement matchmaker for me? LOL. I wouldn’t blame you. I had to get this off my chest come what may 😉 Good luck with me!
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It’s at this point I believed I may have indeed gone mad. I was going to Google “madness definition” but got sidetracked by a reply from R:
43YOV!! No! Haha. I love working with you. I’m not going to find a replacement matchmaker unless of course you request one, in which case I will totally respect your decision. I know that it’s easy to get discouraged on a day to day basis particularly with the dating landscape of DC. The funny thing is, I have several clients there and they all say the same thing–that a lot of people get focused on where you went to school, status, that sort of thing, and get locked into repeating patterns. I think also that although D.C. thinks of itself as very liberal–there is much of it that is buttoned up and conservative or more to the middle than it would like to believe. This is of course challenging, but nothing is impossible. I know you’re keeping an open mind–so definitely keep that up! It’s the toughest thing to ride the balance between thinking of possibilities in the world without getting too focused or hung up on a certain set of ideals. You’ve got this though! 🙂
I screened another guy last week who I thought to be a great possibility but ruled him out because although he respects vegan lifestyles, he grew up with his dad teaching him about guns, and has some as family heirlooms, and doesn’t rule out the possibility of using them for hunting later on, and I don’t think you two will mesh well based on that.
I did, however screen a guy yesterday who I’m vibing pretty well with who I think could be a great possibility for your next date. Let’s have a call soon and I’ll tell you about him. 🙂
D.C. may be particularly tough for dating, but I also think much of the world is tough, particularly if you’re a strong, capable woman who knows what you want in life. That is certainly intimidating for a lot of men, and it’s a tough thing to contend with, going out there and dating. I think a big challenge is knowing how to be confident in that while also giving someone else room to be themselves too, and letting them teach you something about life or about yourself as you do the same with them, whether or not they realize it!
We’re going to see a movie today I’m really excited about, it’s inspired by the book the Prophet by Khalil Gibran. Have you read it? Let’s discuss next time I talk to you. I have to go now and have a shower and get ready for the movie–my mother is really excited about it too.
I’ve also been brainstorming what would be a good match for you because you’re so much like me–but the men I tend to be the most crazy about are nothing like me. I seek out friends who are like me, but lovers are different from me. This may or may not apply to you at all, but it’s certainly food for thought.
We shall talk soon.
-R
Before I wrote this poor girl one last time, the well of despair deepened to the point where I texted my poor mother this:
Bad depression strikes again. I’m fighting it but I’m so tired. No one’s ever going to love me and want to be with me again. I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone. All this love in my my heart wasted. I love you. Don’t call but don’t worry, I’m not going to off myself. Love you muchly.
Of course she texted me and as soon as I read it (dismissing her well-meant but never going to happen suggestion I get a roommate), my feet left the well floor and I began ascending to an “I’m definitely not going to off myself; in fact, the love for my mother’s warming my heart right up there, but let me just write this last email” frame of mind:
Thank goodness you laughed. I can’t believe I sent you those emails! I thought I must’ve gone mad. And bringing up my AR and Christianity “project” and that Reverend–ugh–just cementing my issues with religion, him being so resistant to change, not wanting to upset the status quo. I think it upsets me so because I spent much of my life silent and scared, too, and it hits me that I’m probably not going to change a damn thing; and yet I can’t give up.
And that’s pretty much how I feel about dating. It’s so frustrating that something that I never worried about–finding a guy who liked me–worries the hell out of me now. I’m not 25 and life speeds by so quickly and I’ve been alone, lonely, for such a long time. Then I move to the worst dating city in the US knowing deep down, like you wrote, that this place is swarming with a much more conservative populace–and they’re not aware enough to see it! I’m never going to find love in this town.
I throw out all these traits I think I want in a man but what do I know? I’ve had two serious relationships. What did they see in me that nobody else has? Have I really changed at all? And now I’m overthinking everything and I’m miserable and it’s not going to happen here and I’m looking at books with titles like, How To Be Alone and Solitude and pinning knitting patterns; plus start attending this church to covertly spread the true Christian message to 1500 rich nitwits–me, a Bible-bashing agnostic vegan peacenik agitator who gets this zany idea from reading a couple books and now thinks a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Anyway, if you think this guy’s Bachelor #2 just call me to tell me where and when. I’ve a new outfit ready and waiting and I’ll be on my best first date behavior (but I’m not touching the bill). 😉
I’ve heard great things about Khalil Gibran. The animation’s lovely. I hope you and your mom loved it. Maybe that should be my next date idea, seeing a movie together. I can’t talk too much, I can see if we laugh at the same scenes, we’re side by side which is where I’d want a guy anyway. Sitting across from each other as strangers and it’s like a debate or competition. Maybe it’s not good to see too much of the other first thing. Maybe checking out one side is better, less stressful, less to process or label or assume, which leaves a little mystery for the so far elusive second date.
Just throwing it out there…sometimes old school works. LOL.
Peace, R \/
Lots of laughter, yeah, right, but I wrote 2216 words today. 2216. 

Lack of communication is unhealthy.

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